Well you may wonder what the title is all about-

I can tell you that  24 years ago on this  date at that time the Dallas Cowboys were playing a football game that they would win. Now what I can't tell you is who they played- How do I know this you may wonder- I know this because I was having my son and all the doctors were busy watching the football game so I got the epidural late- always good to be numb AFTER the event.-lol

There that was the one laugh of the day. I told you I would share the good, the bad and the ugly with you. Today for me is all of those. 

Twenty Four years ago a handsome baby boy was born- my son. However it is has been 3+ years since I have seen him and almost as long since we have spoke. 

I wish it was different, I wish I had handled some things different I think every parent questions some of their choices at times- it is one of the things parents do. We do what we think is right at the time for that child. We are not always right. 

Here he is as a small baby, so cute, the outfit my mom had bought in california but we all agreed that at this point he looked a lot like my dad and boy were we worried- see those ears.. he grew into them. He was a happy, cuddly baby. I remember one night when he was very small probably about 3 months old and I was nursing him just rocking away - it was like the 2 am feeding. I looked down at him and actually said out loud that he would never be this small again,  I would never have another baby, at that point time standing still sounded really good. Even now sometimes I wish I could go back to some of those times. 

Here he is a little older, we took one of those old timey pics at Silver Dollar City. He wore that coon skin cap forever it seemed after we got back.  See all the good times you can remember when and where. I do wish that digital cameras were available back then, I have so few photos of the kids compared to what people have nowadays. I also wish I had more pictures of Johnathan, he was my 2nd and it just seems time gets away from you.  Jonathan and I always had a good relationship. You know how one kid usually connects with one parent better etc. Well at that time and up thru early teens He and I connected much better than he and his father and my daughter was the one who was Daddy's little girl. It is not a matter of loving one more than another, parents love their kids equally. It is just a connection you can't explain, sometimes the child is more like you and you understand better, I have always thought that was the case for Bud and I.

Bud is the nickname he ended up with- that is what his dad and I started calling him, and on the 1st day of school he came home and their was like 5 Johnathan's in his class and so he told them his nickname. I can tell you I was shocked at the first paper he brought home with BUD up in the top corner. 

He has went by Jon to most of his friends since high school, but to me he will always be Jonathan.

He grew into a very handsome man with the roman nose that he inherited from my mother's side of the family, and his own form of grit and toughness, He has some gorgeous Tat's on his arms. Here is one of the last pictures I have of him. You will notice he has added a couple of ornaments, as far as I know he has taken out the LaBrea- the one in the chin.  He has now grown a goatee. He still has those very intense eyes.

He is a smart, good looking intelligent young man. I miss talking to him. He has a unique outlook on life. Life has not always been good to him, and it has made him tough, which is not always a bad thing. Life is full of choices and one day I hope he chooses to call me or stop by. 

I mailed him a birthday card today, If you have read my  last christmas post you will understand why I have not called, the rejection just hurts too much. If he throws the card away before opening it, then I just won't know. 

We have children and we think ahead to marriages, grandkids, family holiday etc. Life does not always come out the way we plan. 

This is not a pity party- I am writing this to be cathartic for me. I don't want Sympathy- I was taught that it was found in the dictionary between Shit and Syphilis.

The life lesson I would like you to take away from this is Hug that Child, Love that  Child and do your best to commit to memory all the good things. You never know when things may change.

Jonathan- I love you, I miss you.... 

Mom   9-29-2009

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